Flashpoint Parody
by Hummingbird The Transformer
Summary: This is just a sort of parody of Episode 1: Scorpio. If you don't like it or if you want a parody for another episode, let me know. Don't forget to review! :D


**Hi!** **This is just a random idea I've been working on for months. A Flashpoint parody! So, I hope you like it!**

* * *

 _Some crazy sick in the head weirdo is holding a woman hostage with a nerf gun to her head. He's yelling in a language nobody knows._

Greg: Hey, you know why we're here today? We're here to help you. Got it? But um, could ya please put the gun down?

Crazy Dude: Nope.

Greg: Wait, I thought he couldn't speak English.. Anyways.. *picks up walkie talkie* Uh, how do you say put the gun down in whatever language this dude speaks? Oh thanks. Derpitty derp derpy derp dorp.

The crazy dude starts holding the woman tighter.

Greg: Give me calm down. Dorp Derp! Dorp Derp! Sierra switch channels please.

Jules: I already switched channels Boss, remember?

Greg: Oh right..

Ed: Sierra one is a go. Come on, come on..

 _Ed's long sniper nerf gun is pointed at the crazy dude's head. The dude screams and points his gun at Greg._

Greg: Sierra One, do you have the solution?

Ed: Duh Boss yeah I do.

Greg: Okay then, Scorpio.

 _Ed turns off the safety and starts to squeeze the trigger...  
_

 **Flashpoint Flashpoint Flashpoint Flashpoint  
**

 **3 freaking hours earlier..**

Wordy: EDDIE! HURRY UP IN THERE! *honks the horn several times*

Ed: *sneaks a piece of food*

Clark: Hey! I saw you! *Clark claps his hands and Ed shrugs playfully*

Sophie: I don't really understand why? You knew, several weeks before, that we were doing this.

Ed: I'm sorry... Just tell your parents I'm busy.

Sophie: But my parents are flying in and my dad wanted to show you off.. And, Clark's quartet is gonna play..

Ed: What, they happen everyday! My buddy is retiring! It happens once!

Sophie: Do I have to use my rubber tipped bullets on you?

Ed: *grins* I gotta go.

Sophie: Ed, you're not gonna die if you miss a few push-ups..

Ed: You never know. *waves to Wordy outside* Anyways, everybody is gonna be there, I can't miss it! Its like-

Sophie: -family..

Clark: Haha, very funny!

 _Ed gives Sophie a kiss._

Ed: See ya later kiddo.

Clark: Or maybe not. *Ed glares at him and trips while heading out the door*

Sophie: What do I tell my parents?

Ed: *from the ground* Officer Wordsworth! Uh, a little help here?

Wordy: *helps Ed up and sings a little police shanty*

Sophie: Okay whatever.. *shuts the door*

 _We randomly change to look at a man and his son talking on the subway. The man has a confused look on his face and his son is just blabbing away. The subway stops and the man pulls his son into a back breaking hug. The son walks off the train looking back at it like it just started to break dance.. The subway starts to move again and the man seems angry._

 _We go back to Ed and Wordy talking and arriving at work._

Wordy: Sooooo? How was it?

Ed: I told him not to worry..

Wordy: Ohhh...

Rolie: Hey.

Ed and Wordy: Hey man.

 _The three of them walk over to the entrance of the building. Jules and Lou slide down their repelling ropes._

Ed: Its all sass and no class!

Jules: Yeah like no pain no gain. *Ed laughs and gives Lou a pat on the arm*

 _Greg comes out and grins at Jules and Lou._

Greg: So now you all know the world of pain when the walls need cleaning. *he smiles*

Jules and Lou: Sorry Sarge.

Jules: So did you get lost up there or what?

Lou: Maybe.

Jules: Double or nothin' take your pick.

Lou: *he laughs* No.

 _Ed and Greg start to talk on their way to the briefing room._

Greg: There was like this big bust up in Jamestown. It was weird.

Ed: *smiles*

 _They walk up to Spike and Babycakes._

Greg: Why Miss Babycakes how are you?

Spike: I've been picking rocks out of her tread for freaking 3 days now.

Ed: What you've got there is one crazy love.

Spike: I know right? She needs to learn to like make me breakfast or somethin'.

Greg: Kiss your girlfriend goodbye Spikey, and be in the briefing room in five minutes... Or else... Oh and don't forget the retirement party tonight!

Spike: Oh yeah.. right! Babycakes put that down on my agenda please.

 _We go back to the dude riding the subway. He still looks like he wants to tear someone's head off. He gets off and wanders around the station. And then back to Team One._

 _Everyone is in their uniforms and heading towards the briefing room._

Greg: You know, it is your inlaw's 40th anniversary..

Ed: Hold it, did my wife like call you up and say she'll give you 50 bucks if you say that?

Greg: What no! Its just a cop retires every week, and one day it might. Just. Be. You. Soo, who's gonna be there when said day comes?

Ed: *bursts into tears and walks away*

 _The man is in a mall and riding the escalators.. OOOHH really scary. He looks around and finds who he's looking for. THE CLEANING LADY. He walks up behind her._

Man: Martha.

 _The man speaks a language we don't really know, but I'll just tell you what they say in English._

Martha: *turns around* What do you freaking want creep?

Man: But I REALLY want to talk to you!

Martha: But I have a restraining order on you.

Man: I want to talk.

Martha: I'm gonna go call the police again!

Man: *takes her hand* No you're not, you're gonna stay and talk with me.

Martha: But I have to work.

Man: No you don't.

 _We go back to everyone sitting in the briefing room._

Greg: This is what we're gonna be doing for the time being. *he gestures to the screen* Ed will you please?

Ed: Alphas: Wordy you're gonna be one. Spike 2, and Lou three. Wordy gets to man the ram, and Rolie you headed bravo. Spike deedies and flashbangs.

Spike: BOOM!

Ed: Lou you're gonna be less lethal. *sings in sing song voice*

Lou: Aw come on.

Greg: And I shall negotiate should the need be needed. Snipers: Sierra one is...

 _Ed and Jules scoot in real close._

Greg: ...Jules. Sierra two is Ed.

 _Ed is heartbroken and Jules does a little dance._

Ed: Is it Jules Day?

Jules: Uh yeah! Everyday is.

 _Martha and the Man are arguing in whispers._

Man: I love you.

Martha: I hate you. Please let go of my hand.

Man: Martha.

Martha: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? GEEZ!

Man: SHUT UP.

Martha: UGH I HATE YOUR FACE NOW LET GO OF MY HAND!

Other Random Dude: Uh do you need help?

Man: *pulls out nerf gun and points it at the other guy*

Other Random Dude: Oh um, I'm walking away now..

Martha: *walks away*

Man: Where the hell do you think you're going?

Martha: Away from you, creep.

Man: *pulls out gun and shoots Martha* I warned you.

 _Flashpoint theme song and actors:_

 ** _Jules Callaghan: Amy Jo Johnson_**

 ** _Ed Lane: Hugh Dillon_**

 ** _Sam Braddock: David Paetkau_**

 ** _Greg Parker: Enrico Colantoni_**

 ** _Spike Scarlatti: Sergio Di Zio_**

 ** _Kevin Wordsworth 'Wordy': Michael Cram_**

 ** _Additional Actors: Mark Taylor and Ruth Marshall._**

 ** _Created by and given credit to: Mark Ellis and Stephanie Morgenstern._**

* * *

 _And we're back with the crazy man who knocked out his ex wife. He's decided to walk around. But unfortunately for him, the officer patrolling knows all about the man and starts to follow him. The man turns around and both pull out their weapons.  
_

Police Officer: DROP YOUR WEAPON! DO IT NOW.

Man: *grabs random woman next to him and puts his nerf gun on her head*

Police Officer: AW COME ON.

Woman: Why do things like this always happen to me?  
Man: *walks away with hostage*

Police Officer: I need immediate back up, some dude is holding a gun to a hostage's head, extreme caution, its a NERF GUN.

 _Ed and Jules are packing up the SUVs and closing everything._

Ed: Soooo... How was your date last night?

Jules: It was awesome.

Ed: Really?

Jules: No, dummy, it wasn't.

Ed: Oh.

Jules: It was okay, but I wouldn't say I had an awesome time. Got everything?

Ed: Yeah. *arranges everything into the back of the truck* So, what happened?

Jules: Ed, do you honestly need to know everything about my love life?

Ed: Just about, yeah. Did you snuggle up in front of the TV?

Jules: I'm sitting there and thinking, "I want to finish my drywall." *hot call sirens start blaring and everyone races to get into the SUVs*

 _Ed decides to drive._

Jules: *talks into walkie talkie* What's our guy carrying? "A Nerf Luger."

Ed: *chokes on a fly that flew into his mouth while driving* A what?!  
Jules: A Luger. Oh and there's also a hostage, and she's of the female gender.

Greg: He's in the plaza, and there's also like lots of civilians so uh, please be careful.

Jules: Pffft, when are we not?

 _Ed looks at Jules._

Ed: Good morning!

Jules: GOOOOOOOOOOOODDD MORNING VIETNAM!

Ed: Uh, okay... Uh lets erm, break it down.

Jules: 8:30AM with a rough shower and then heading off to work.

Ed: So in other words, its gonna be packed like hell.

Jules: Yeah, so we're gonna go high. You take west, and I'll take east which gives maximum coverage.

Ed: Pfft, what we have to worry about is the craziness. Like every freaking SRU team is gonna want to be there.

Jules: Yeah, but I'm sierra one. OHHHH YEAH! I'm sierra one. *sticks tongue out at Ed*

Ed: Chill out missy.

 _We decide to look at Mr. Sam Braddock who's getting off of a small plane. He looks a little miffed. And then we change back to everyone arriving at the square with the crazy lunatic dude with the nerf gun to a woman's head. Two dudes are trying to communicate with the crazy dude._

Inspector #2: This is going no where.

Inspector #1: Haha, you could say that again.

 _Team one arrives on scene. Silently Ed and Jules grab their sniper guns and load up. Everyone checks each others gear and makes sure their rifles are loaded._

Greg: Okay, now go play and don't fight with the other adults. Oh look a doggy!

Ed: Stay on task Greg.

Greg: Oh right, uh Lou you're my secondary so I want you in that truck in 5 minutes.

Lou: Sure thing.

Rolie: I'll go check out the Southwest area..

Ed: Spike and Wordy, stay with Parker and make sure he doesn't get into trouble.

 _Greg is trying to eat a random butterfly._

Jules: I'm going east.

Ed: I'll go to the north building.

Greg: *voice is muffled from the butterfly* That dude doesn't look too happy. *points to the man with the Nerf Luger*

 _There's a crap load of civilians watching behind the yellow tape. Greg goes over to talk to the Inspector.  
_

Greg: Does this dude have a name?

Inspector: Uh not yet. He don't speak English.

Greg: Crap. Well where's the translator?

Inspector: Back there.

Greg: What language does he speak?

Inspector: Russian.

Greg: *picks up walkie talkie* Get me a translator right now! *voice softens* Or whenever you can.

 _The Inspector and the black haired man look at him like he's crazy._

Greg: Okay, I'll see if I can make him calm. I really don't want my bestest friends in the whole wide world getting shot now would I? *sets down a random walkie talkie on a rock pillar*

 _Lou is in the truck and talking to a computer. (He must be a writer!)_

Lou: 8:46 AM Sergeant Gregory Parker is gonna start negotiation.

 _Sam's driving around town in a cab._

Cab driver: Mind if I listen to the radio?

Sam: Nope.

 _The driver cranks it up. The radio is talking about the hostile man with the Nerf Luger._

Sam: You know where that is? Can we go there?

Driver: Ha that's a funny joke! Oh.. you were serious.

 _Back to Crazy Lou._

Lou: Dudes, switch to channel 1.

Ed and Jules: Sure thing..

Lou: Sierra 2 north building has 11 floors and oh boy! There's an elevator to the top!

Ed: WOOOHOOO!

Lou: Sierra one the east building has 15 floors. You get no elevator.

Jules: Aw man.

 _Ed is getting into an elevator full of people._

Ed: Floor ten please.

 _Everybody looks at him warily._

Jules: Is there an elevator?

Police Officer: Nope.

Jules: Crap. *starts to climb up the stairs* Thanks anyway.

 _Greg is still trying to calm down the man._

Greg: Dude, chill out! We don't want to hurt you!

Man: Grrrrrr...

Lou: Sierra 1, how you doin?

Jules: There's no elevator.. *sniffs* Uh, how's the weather gonna be when I get up there?

Lou: Wind's gonna be blowing at 9 knots, blowing in from the North West.

Jules: Yay updraft!

 _Ed breaks open the door. He walks over to the side of the building, gun in hand. He attaches himself to the building in case he falls. He tosses his hat to the side and stalks the hostile man._

Ed: Sierra 2 ready to roll. There's an updraft. Hehe..

Jules: YAY! Ugh, how far up am I?

 _Sam's walking around being a weirdo and staring at what the SRU is doing. A black haired woman is entering the truck Lou is in._

Lou: Height is 185 ft up.

Doc Luria: Hey!

Lou: Good morning Doc. Psychologist on scene.

Doc Luria: Already one woman's been shot, might not make it. GET ME THE TRANSCRIPT. Hmm.. unclear unclear..

 _Jules is still climbing. She looks kinda tired._

Greg: I want to help you!

Man: ARGHHHHH

Greg: WHERE'S MY TRANSLATOR?!

Lou: Sierra one go left. Just keep going straight. Right.

Jules: Wait a second.. CRAP! This way is blocked off. How old are those fricking plans?

Lou: Why?

Jules: Renovations...

Greg: Good morning Doc.

Doc Luria: Morning. *yawns* First assumption, not substance problems.. Looks like he's stressed out over a bunch of stuff..

Greg: Where's my translator Bob?

Bob: He's coming!

Greg: I need him now! Dispatch his phone to me.

Lou: Sierra One I have a new path for ya...

Jules: Tell me!

Lou: Well its higher up and there are some strong winds.

Jules: *groans* Ed, are you good?

Ed: Hmmm, yeah maybe. I'll make it work.

Jules: Fine, you can be Sierra One..

Ed: Hey Lou you better have gotten that.

Lou: Yeah, yeah, yeah..

 _Ed pulls out his long range Nerf rifle and points it at the crazy dude's head._

Lou: Sarge, Sierra One is now Sierra Two because Sierra One's building's plans were old.

Greg: Yeah okay, hey Sierra One give some good news here! I could really use with some good news!

Ed: Yeah, he's got her close, but I've got 'em. He he he..

Greg: Okay, so...?

Ed: I've got the solution... Buahahaha..

 _Sam is walking around next to some fire engines. He looks up to see Ed's sniper rifle hanging out over the side of the building. Jules attaches herself to her building and starts to set things up._

Jules: Sierra Two is.. almost... in... position.. Oh goody, I've got a good advantage. *she starts to stalk everybody* Lots of civilians, and Sierra One looks good.

Ed: Easy there Mr. McHappy..

Greg: Hey uh dude do ya like know why we're here today? We're here to help! We want to help you! But can you PLEASE put the gun down?! PLEASE?!

Man: UNCLEAR UNCLEAR UNCLEAR

Greg: Uh, Sierra One, please tell me you have the solution.

Ed: Yep. *feels an itch on his nose* Aw crap..

Greg: Uh, how do you say put the gun down in whatever language this dude speaks? Oh thanks. Derpitty derp derpy derp dorp.

 _The man holds her tighter._

Hostage: I can't..breath!

Greg: Can I get... ummm we want to help?

 _Ed is desperately trying not to scratch his nose while keeping immensely tense and quiet. Its almost scary.._

Greg: Blurp derp dorp derpitty dorp! Derpitty derp derpy derp dorp! PLEEEEEAAAAASSSEEEE put the gun down! Fine, give me calm down! Blarp!

Man: Arrrggghhhhh! Grrrrrr!

Greg: Sierra switch channel.

Jules: Doing it.. right.. exactly.. now..

Ed: Yep got it. Oh wait no, that's the soap opera channel. Okay now, I'm on your channel.

Greg: Does ANYONE know what this guy is saying?

Doc Luria: I think he's saying "I drink beer for breakfast." Wait no never mind, he's saying, "I'll shoot her! I will!"

Greg: Hey erm dude, I'd really like it if you could keep calm..

Man: *growls and points gun towards Greg*

Greg: *gets down behind the pillar with Spike and Wordy and sighs* I'm really gonna regret this.. Sierra One?

Ed: This is Sierra One who is ready to roll.

Greg: Scorpio.

Ed: *turns off the safety and starts to squeeze the trigger*

Jules: WAIT! There's a kid coming from the crowd!

Greg: ED DON'T SHOOT!

Ed: Aw man..

 _The kid starts to run towards the man calling, "Dada!" The crazy dude turns to look at him._

Wordy: Woah woah there Sparky, where do you think you're going? Its okay, easy there!

Kid: Dada!

Wordy: Its okay! Is that your daddy?

Kid: *nods furiously*

 _The kid's dad starts to yell at him._

Ed: Okay what do ya got?

Jules: Erm, male, young, uhhh...

Ed: Okay thanks.

Kid: *yells back at him*

Wordy: Hey calm down! He'll be fine *adds under breath* if we can figure out how to calm him down.. Okay, I got the guy's son.

Man: *talks in a softer tone*

Greg: Well, at least we've gone down from Overly Pissed to Still Kinda Angry.

Ed: I'm still gonna stalk him..

Wordy: Okay kid, we need you to do a few things for us. No one's gonna get here.

Kid: *nods*

Wordy: Kid, what's he saying?

Man: *goes nuts and father and son continue to yell at each other*

Greg: And we're back to Overly Pissed again. Okay.. Scorpio.

Kid: *freaks out and runs towards his father*

Jules: ED NOOOOOO!

Ed: *shoots* Ooops.. *freaks out and scrambles around to make sure he didn't shoot the kid*

 _Everything happens slowly with Ed freaking out on the roof. Wordy stays with the kid. Greg leads away the freaked out hostage._

Kid: WHY THE HECK DID YOU DO THAT?! HE WAS MY DAD!

 _Sam has his creepy solemn look on. Twitchy, Ed begins to pack everything up and make his way down stairs. Jules takes in a deep breath and stays silent. Nobody is allowed to talk to Ed until he's been interrogated.. Ed silently and very eerily walks towards the SIU's car._

 **Flashpoint Flashpoint Flashpoint Flashpoint Flashpoint Flashpoint  
**

 _Ed is getting creepy stares from other police officers. His mouth hangs open like a fish's. The kid looks at him with hate. Jules walks away, gun in hand. Sam's stare is even more creepy..with those cold blue eyes...  
_

Commander: *says cheerfully* Well, that was a quick case.

Greg: *stares at him* Lou's got the 'awesome' transcript for you in the truck.

Commander: I want that media somewhere else. NOW.

Greg: Hey, at least we followed the rules! *counts back in head* ..At least I think we did..

Inspector: No talking to Ed. He's grounded right now. *opens car door for Eddie*

Greg: How ya doing Ed?

Inspector: What did I just say?!

Greg: Why don't you just shut up and let me talk with my team mate?

Inspector: *sighs and rolls eyes*

Greg: How's my main man?

Ed: I'm fine. *grumbles*

Greg: Good. *walks over to the other side of the car and opens the door* Oh wait, and Ed? You did good. *gets into car with Ed*

Inspector: Yay I get to drive! I always liked this car, it has seat warmers!

 _Team One sadly watches the car drive away, wishing they could've sat in seats that warmed themselves.. Jules checks her gun's chamber to make sure there isn't any bullets in there._

Sam: *watches Jules* Hi! I just saw the whole thing! My name's Sam. Sam Braddock.

Jules: *continues working* What? Am I supposed to recognize you by name?

Sam: You're a sniper? You don't see too many lady snipers. That's kinda sexy.

Jules: *tries not to laugh and looks over at the team*

Spike: *waves with a big grin on his face*

Sam: Oh cool a Remy 700! I carry a vintage colt myself. *reaches into coat pocket*

Jules: PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! NOW! *points gun at him long with the rest of the team*

Sam: *startled, pulls out a picture*

Commander: WOAH WOAH WOAH! Lower your weapons! Chill guys! *turns to Sam* I gave you directions!

Sam: But I didn't want to miss anything!

Commander: Ugh! Braddock come with me. Team One, you'll be replaced with Team Three for now.

Sam: *says to Team One* Awesome reflexes guys.

Spike: What was that?

 **Flashpoint Flashpoint Flashpoint Flashpoint Flashpoint**

 _Ed is sitting silently at a table. In an empty room. Alone. His phone starts to ring, but he ignores it. Sophie sighs. The SIU comes in and asks him to remove most of his clothing until he's in his underwear and t-shirt. The SIU give him a jacket and pants in exchange._

Lawyer: Ugh SIU.. They never wait. You don't have to say anything to them. Okay? I'm your lawyer! *grins* Are you sure you want to talk to him?

Ed: *sighs*

SIU: What did Greg mean when he said "Scorpio."?

 _Ed's phone rings again._

SIU: Dude, are you going answer that?

Ed: Its my wife.

Lawyer: You can answer it if you want, no one's gonna stop you. *glares murderously at the SIU guy*

Ed: *answers phone* Ohh hey there Soph.. I can't erm talk right now.

Sophie: Aw man.. I say your team this morning. You were the sniper?

Ed: Yeah.

Sophie: Well then we'll wait for you at home.

Ed: No, its okay, just go on without me. I'll be alright.

Sophie: Okay. Bye.

Ed: *closes phone and sets it on the table*

SIU: Okay so when you mean-

Lawyer: Okay dude, you watched and read the whole thing. Can we be done here. Please?

SIU: A few more questions. Are you sure that you knew the subject's son was there?

Ed: Duh, Jules told me.

SIU: Do you think that the son was included as much as possible?

Ed: *sighs* Yes..

SIU: Were all options of non-lethal force used before the use of lethal force?

Ed: Oh so you mean I had the option of watching that crazy man shoot my team mate?

SIU: *is startled silent* Well I guess that's a yes.. Well, I guess we're done here. We'll get back to you later.

Lawyer: Hold it, there's one more itsy bitsy talk we have to have with another dude.

Ed: UUUGGGHHHHH!

 _Clark's quartet is playing when he gets a call from his mom. His expression goes from a smiling face to a sad face. Ed is talking with Doc Juria from earlier._

Ed: Look, I'm fine! Can I go home now?

Doc Luria: Ed I know you're not.

Ed: Doc if you want a date you should just ask.

Doc Luria: *laughs* You know what, screw it. I think I must have forgotten that I was talking to Ed Lane here for a few seconds.

Ed: *smiles*

Doc Luria: But I know you're not gonna be the man who has sleep loss and bad dreams, right?

Ed: *stares off into space*

Doc Luria: You know where to find me if you need me. Not that you'll need to.

 _Ed goes to the gun range and begins to shoot a target several times to help calm him down. After shooting the target so many times, it falls to the ground. Wordy comes and gets him. They leave and go to the retirement party._

Jules: Hey bro! Has the code of silence been magically lifted?

Ed: Yep.

Jules: How was it?

Ed: Good. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Jules: You okay?

Ed: Gosh, why does everybody keep asking if I'm okay?! I'm fine!

Jules: Okay.

 _Ed sits down at a table and drinks some beer. Then Commander Holleran brings Sam back over._

Commander: Lets try this again. Team One, this is Sam Braddock. He's gonna be joing your team! Yay! *starts to tell them about Sam*

Sam: Nice to meet all of ya.

Jules: Wait hold it, isn't the team full?

Commander: Actually Rollie here is now a fast tracker sergeant.

 _Everyone congratulates him._

Sam: So Jules, is that short for Julia?

Jules: Ha! No.

 _Ed begins to get lost in his thoughts. He excuses himself from the table and heads to the restroom. Ed is washing his face when Greg comes in to check on him._

Ed: I'm fine, okay?

Greg: *nods* I think one day, you'll have to do the math on how many 'I'm fines' you say.

 _Greg leaves Ed alone in the bathroom. Ed only watches him leave. The poor kid is looking at his father's body. Jules is working on her house. Sam looks at pictures from when he was in the JTF-2. Greg signs his name on the transcript of the case they did. Ed walks into his house, saying nothing. Clark comes down the stairs._ Clark: Hey Dad-

 _Clark is cut off when Ed hugs him tight. Sophie watches from the top of the stairs._

 **End Of Episode  
**

* * *

 **Thanks for reading! If you don't like it let me know. The ending was something I really couldn't change. But this was just an idea that I've been working on for a long time. If you want the next episode turned into a sort of parody, let me know! Anyways, I've got other things I need to work on. See you next time when I update something! (don't forget, reviews are like cups of coffee, they give me a spring in my step)**

 **Love,**

 **Grace Callaghan Scarlatti**


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